I have this hokey belief that like a radio I can tune in to the hearts of my very-very-beloved ones and feel that they’re ok and that they love me back. It’s one of those weirdo beliefs that I don’t dwell on or think about consciously. I cooked up this idea sometime in high school and it stuck, that intuition is real. But I’ve lost a little of that here in Taiwan — maybe that feeling of being loved is just the knowledge that I can text or call at any time, and you’ll be awake, and we’re both under daylight or both under nighttime. I’m too many time zones away.
Possibly related. I just flipped through my Guatemala journal and saw that I wrote: “My big fear is that I will end up traveling alone in my 40s without kids or a husband. There I said it. Fuck you, feminism.”