10 things you should know before storming the castle, or: the randomness that surfaces at 12:24am after two glasses of wine

1)    Check your shoelaces. Are they untied? Avoid embarrassing stumbles, tie those dogs up.
2)    Yell loud. A “silent storm” isn’t likely to put much fear in the hearts of your enemies.
3)    Bring some friends. There’s been many a storming conducted solo because someone failed to heed this basic tenet. Overbook your storming. Last-minute no-shows are common.
4)    Prepare for a drawbridge. You may need to take an alternate route – or, conversely, brave the moat. NOTE: Moat-crossings have been successfully accomplished with scuba gear and/or bamboo reeds.
5)    Eat a healthy breakfast first. Don’t pass out waiting for “the signal”.
6)    Get a good night’s rest the evening before. See above.
7)    Off with their heads. Make sure you’re well-practiced (practised?) at the art of beheading. It’s faster than simply inflicting less-mortal wounds, and prevents the old “crawl and stab” after you’ve written them off.
8)    Know what ammo your enemies will be using. Bow and arrow? Slingshots? Flying cows? Who knows what Monty Python movies they’ve been watching? You must know, that’s who. Spy early, spy often.
9)    Follow the trusty example of the football coach and develop at least one or two hand signals. Keep it simple. No one wants to remember what “hop three times and scratch under your left armpit” means when you’ve got a sword to your throat.
10)    Have fun. Because in the end, after the heads have rolled and the blood has dried, all you’ll have left are your memories. Oh, yeah. And your brand-new castle.

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