Notes after a weekend in the woods, delivered in the mental voice of Will Ferrell as a children’s soccer coach in Kicking and Screaming

Just don’t try to drive a Buick down a lane filled with two feet of snow. Ok? OK??? DON’T DO IT. You will FAIL MISERABLY. You will literally be stuck… in the snow… without a way to get out… at all… ever. Until you call the lady who’s renting you your cabin and she shows you pussies how it’s DONE by showing up in her Jeep, an actually USEFUL vehicle and not one made for rich old men who, in 1993, liked to drive to the country club and back — while you are LOUNGING like lazy assholes on the hood of your incapacited car waiting for help. And she will get a tow strap and hook it to your bumper and spin you around multiple times and then jam the Jeep’s bumper into yours in some psychotic attempt to free your pussy wagon and then you will realize she’s doing all of this WITH TWO TODDLERS IN THE BACK SEAT OF HER CAR. And then finally — A BLANKIE WILL SAVE YOUR ASS. She will put a fleece blanket under one of her back tires, giving her enough traction to tow your lame ass, over the top of a hill allowing you to then SLED the rest of the mile to the road, the actual road, where your ROAD PUSSY CAR belongs. AND THEN to TOP IT ALL OFF, you will end your night A) EXHAUSTED BECAUSE YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF SUSTAINING MOTION AFTER ALL THAT EXCITEMENT and B) So stupid that you left all your digital video discs in Chicago and you will be FORCED to watch Kicking and Screaming, starring Will Ferrell as a terrible children’s soccer coach, because it’s the only DVD you can find in the cabin.

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