today was a good day. and i will tell you why. there were no fights. there were no egregious acts of defiance. there were no crazy kids. kids were too chatty and annoying and all that, of course. but they weren’t hating me, and they weren’t riling each other, and they were for the most part responding to my death stares. i have gotten SO damn good at the death stare. anyways. this is what i learned today. SOME KIDS LIKE TO READ. it was amazing. i had no lesson planned. (god only knows how i worked all weekend only to have no lesson to show for it) and so i decided we would talk about our favorite books. well. they had favorite books! they mostly liked to read! i mean, ok, sure, not all of them. but a good one-half to three-quarters were totally energized by calling out the books they liked best. and my seventh period thought it was awesome that my favorite book was ‘matilida.’ apparently they all love the movie. my favorite line, which came up a few times: “they made a book out of that?” yes. they made a book out of that movie. right. ALSO i pulled out a little neofuturist action and had one person tell the story of some unfortunate injury. then other students had to get up and re-tell the story. and we noted how the story changed. etc. my 8th period really got into it. which was amazing, considering that class is usually a zoo. really. a total zoo. so. yay for that.

i have thought every single day about quitting. and those thoughts have darkened my vision lately and made me so upset. i have been more depressed lately than i have been in years. it’s so weird. i forgot what this felt like. but i don’t think it’s perma-blah, i think it will lift, and i wil lift, and we will all lift along with my students’ test scores. ok, so maybe not that last one. but still. something.

oh, for the love. i haven’t written in a while. life went into a blender. i am feeling tired and draggy already and it is not even the seventh day of teaching. someone? anyone? tell me what the eff I have decided to do here? thank you. thank you very much. i am just as confused as you are.

i will keep a journal soon, i think. for now, let’s just say that i have been screwing up right and left. papers a-flying, attendance a mess, posters everywhere, bulletin boards stapled securely to the walls, no paycheck in sight (thanks, cps, for not funding my position yet), driving down lakeshore every day to the tune of $6 in gas, buying paper and pens and folders and staples and a printer and a car…. i am poor. i drink beer and enter grades. sink or swim, they say. i try to swim. sometimes sinking happens instead.

that sinking sound. that’s me.