I’m looking for a safe risk. I’m looking to do something frightening that I’ve done before, so I can have the same sense of exhilaration without all the pain. I’m looking for something that does not exist, should not exist and will never exist. The self is made up of two parts, the seeker self and the merger self. This is according to some theory I learned in a high school summer class… maybe it was Joseph Campbell. The seeker self wants to journey, the merger self wants to stay home. My seeker self and merger self are looking for a compromise. They aren’t going to find one.
revision of random theory
In one short conversation with my mother, my calm was shattered into a million tiny shards of metallic doom. Basically, she said she needed to know what days to take off from work in June. Would she need to drive me from Evanston back home? An innocent question, yet it hinges on what I’m doing after graduation.
So, I think when disaster is imminent, you become more calm. Like, this graduation thing. I’m getting progressively calmer about it. In November, I was freaking out. Now, as it becomes slowly more apparent that June *will* come no matter what, I’m relaxing. It reminds me of the time Pol and I were driving in icy ski country a couple of years ago. We’d just inched up a steep hill in his Jimmy, and found ourselves on an empty, slippery road with nowhere to go but forward. We slid and fishtailed slightly, and I got really scared we were going to end up in a ditch. I had no concept of what it felt like in a ditch, if we’d roll over, if it’d hurt. But then we started to slowly glide diagonally across the road. Suddenly I was resigned to it. I braced myself, but it was out of my hands. Imminent. We just ended up at a 45 degree angle, unhurt, and flagged down a truck to tow us out.
There weren’t any more spice cookies on the tray in the window when I walked into Al’s Deli. I assumed they’d sold out. But no. Before I placed my order, Bob whispered to me conspiratorially, “I saved you a spice cookie. I grabbed the last one and put it in a bag.” He pulled a lone cookie in a baggy out of the refrigerator behind the counter. How cool is that.
I used to be glad when a tough week was over. Now that I’m graduating in June, I just resent that I didn’t get to fully enjoy it.
“How can I get what I want without dealing with all the crap that seems to be in the way?” — Mark